5/27/08, -?

Most of you is truthful
But part of you is not
when you tell me something
I'm not sure which I got
You've told me of your past
almost your whole life story
but if you mix lies and truth
How do I know which you've told me?
I'd rather not ask
I'd rather forget
I'd rather start with a clean slate
I'm not a lie-detector test

"Hello my name is Pink."
"Is yours a lie?"

6/1/08, 12:07 AM

For years you question
everything
wonder if
anything
was even true at all
intentions are unclear
and so is truth.
Truth cannot be realized
until much later.
much longer
much larger
an answer than you expected
Surprise is written on every answer
Hesitation on every question
on long ago thoughts.
But with every answer
a door closes.
sometimes slams
sometimes locks.
but it feels as if your mind is freed
and this freedom feels so stable
from questions
no longer bouncing around in your head
They are gone.
And there is peace
once more.
There is closure
at last.

6/14/08, 8:15 AM

Pain
like an unforgiving waterfall
crashes on me
Rips open my skin
and pours its horrible thoughts
into my soul
I am sick to my stomach
Its acids eat me up from the inside
Actions
and Consequences
Actions
and Consequences
Break a promise, please?
DON'T YOU DARE
Please don't say that
you don't care anymore
Act the same
PLEASE
act the same
Could this now be a point?
A turning point in which your head turns
Away?
Away from me?
How could you dare?!
Keep your promises
I'll keep mine
HOLD ON.

7/14/08, 12:42 AM

I am strong
without you.
May I be strong
with you?
Can I continue to be
the person I am
when I am alone
While I'm holding your hand?
Things change
but I refuse to change with them
Old times fade
But my life won't fade with them
my strength won't fade.
You are here
because I allow you to be here
no more
and certainly no less
I have risen to the challenge
and the occasion
has failed to make a fool
out of me.
I look into your eyes
and there is no longer a mystery
I hold you in my arms
and there is no longer that feeling
That feeling I once had of an overwhelming love
There is only touch. and arms.
There is only you
and me
there is
no longer
forever.

7/15/08, 1:24 AM

Is it supposed to feel like his?
I have no clue.
I have never been this sort of person.
You forced me to.
Do I need to control it?
Do I need o hold back?
OR is this just who I am now?
It feels hard
in an easy sort of way.
Sort of distant.
Sort of cold.
And so...

Full of pain.

7/24/08, 12:45 AM

Something like a bad dream
Carries around on my shoulder
It is weightless
And I don't always notice its presence.
Every once and a while it whispers
in my ear
But no one sees it
Every once and a while it screams
Jumping up and down
But no one hears it.
Sometimes it will pop up in my face
And look me right in the eye
sinking me down to its level
But mostly
I don't notice that it's there
I walk around in "reality"
Where life is happy
But with one turn of the head
It is gone.
Something like a bad dream
Sits and waits on my shoulder
for me to turn my head
and look around
wondering how I go here
for me to remember
that it is there
it has not gone away
no matter how much I ignore it
it will never go away
Something like a bad dream
lies in wait on my shoulder
for me to decide:
Which is truth:
The present
or the past?

8/11/08, 12:56 AM

You're dead to me.
A father that's never been much of one.
A husband that couldn't see through his god
you look down your nose at us thinking that
You are the one that's been punished, been wronged
Your "love" through your lectures, I don't need
A man who couldn't see through his religion's greed
You look down your nose at all of us
Sir, we are the ones who were wronged
Our lives would have been better without you
Because obviously you're never willing to change
you never will be
so you'll remain
the father I don't need.

you're dead to me

but then again

haven't you always been?

8/17/08, 1:57 AM

I can feel it
Like two magnets between us
I can feel them pulling
I can feel you calling out to me
I know my best not to get attached
I try my hardest not to
but every time I follow the road to you
It feels like I'm headed home
And when she points others out to me
I am disgusted, repulsed.
Pushed away
as you call for me.
Cause every time I see you
I want nothing more
for you to belong to me
I wan to belong to you
But like always, I go back
to another.
It is you that I want
nobody else
For the road that leads to you
feels like the road to home
And that's what I hope you will become

My home.

-?

I wish I could help you
fix you
I wish I hadn't done what I did to you
Maybe I should have just shut you out
from the very beginning
Run at the very first
warning sign
But I didn't
I was a fool
I didn't know what I was getting into
Something more than friends
Something more than excitement
Even more then disloyalty
I brushed on the surface of love
and sent ripples through the water
that eventually turned into waves,
rogues,
tsunamis.
And they crashed on you,
drown you.
I am at fault
for all of this.
But all I can do is repeat words like the waves.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

-?

Living through the pain
with every look
every single look of hurt
in your eyes
your suffering
your sadness
I caused it
I am at blame
for your unhappiness
I am at blame
for that look in your eyes
I toyed with you
fucked with you
And still care for you
How could I?
What can I do?
I caused all this pain for you
and there is nothing
I can do about it.

-?

I'll miss the week with you ore than anything
I'll miss your laugh
and the way your chocolate-brown eyes stare
I'll miss the smell of you late at night, in your car.
I'll miss the way your hand fit in mine
I'll miss your scratchy lips
How you said you'd always catch me
whenever I fall down
Just yesterday I saw you
Just yesterday I touched you
Just yesterday

My world has been shaken
And I fear I can never be perfectly happy again.

8/24/08, 2:37 AM

Part of me yearns
so much
to be free
Is this how you feel
all the time?
Part of me wants
to be only me
do you always feel this inside?
Is this what is feels like
to be your own person
to be chained to a thing
you must stay
Part of you likes the diversion
But part of you wants to just fly away
is this what it feels like
to be independent
to have one eye blinded, the other eye see
Part of you likes to be rested
But part of you wants to be fee
Love is just one more word for confusion
when I'm chained down, half-blinded, confused
But maybe this isn't so bad, love
wen I'm lying, confused, next to you.

9/7/08, 1:53 PM

I hope it's cold and lonely up there on your pedestal
I hope that when they shine the light on you to show you off, it blinds you
The don't know you and you know
they can never see the true you.
Because on the inside
you are dirt rotten.
I hope that when you look in the mirror you don't know who you're looking at.
I hope you cry to sleep at night know everything you gave for your fake life.

9/29/08, 6:27 AM

It hurts
when you don't talk
It hurts
when you don't touch
It huts
when you're first on my list
but I'm only seventh or such
It hurts
when you don't care
(or even seem to like it)
when I'm not there
It hurts
when you give your day away

She says there is always someone
who loves the most
and someone who loves the least
And
I believe her
Cause it hurts
when I come second
or
you don't bother
to think about me
It hurts
that I love the most
And it hurts
That you love the least.

10/2/08, 11:32 PM

You come around spreading your magic
But leave her feeling down and worthless
Alone and sad and broken-hearted
And I'm the one left to pick up the pieces

This is all to your blame
But you don't even have to see the pain
IN her eyes
This is all your doing
But you don't have to see what's happening
You don't have
to see her cry

You're the one who did this
And I'm the one who's left
picking up her
broken-hearted
pieces.

10/5/08, 2:23 PM

After all these years of no contact,
of pushing away
You suddenly come back to make the ends meet?
Because you and her are separating
You must make sure
that we do not.
But we did
a long time ago.
And suddenly you want to be
Mr. Nice Guy?
Take me places,
buy me things
Mend the hurt
divorce often brings.
Well let me tell it to you straight
She is the only one you are hurting
You don't need
to put out your form of apology
to me
For it is
Far too late
For you to take things back
Because I know
The real you
is still waiting
under all these niceties.
I do not wish to become close
For divorce
finally will separate me from you
Or so I hope.

10/12/08, 11:12 PM

If I could pause time I would
Pause reality
Pause facts.
Pause jobs, and homework,
and class.
Pause all but me and you.
I would.
If we could live our lives uncensored,
unnoticed
just together
for however long we please
then unpause
and you go to being you
And me back to being me
I would.

Sometimes people come into our lives at the wrong time
You either make room for them
(no matter how uncomfortable)
or you push them aside.

I am lost.
I do not know where you fit
In this hectic life of mine

10/13/08, 4:48 PM

It is the building up of things overtime
Like the uncontrollable cry
It is the feeling of the overwhelming
piling on your shoulders.
Life swooping down
And crushing you in its talons
It is the dark romantic climax
The finish
The release
The static and the scurry
The overwhelming
The rush the pain the ending
It starts as only an idea in the beginning
But ends up as something unavoidable
The act that is harm
Secret
told to no one
It takes away the care.
Makes you numb.
Saves the day
in the day of darkness.
Who ever thought that such an act of pain,
an act of restriction,
could bring such a peace, relief, control.
Only one thing to focus.
Not a million.

10/13/08, 10:48 PM

I've started the death race
my foot on the pedal, not the brake
(which any sane person would)
But I took a leap
(more like a step forward)
And fell upon what I've been fighting against
All this time
3 days
14 months
When you fall into a hole
do you try to climb to the top
-scraping your hands and knees on the way, falling down a few times and damaging your heart
Or do you dig yourself deeper till you can no longer see the sun?
(out of desperation with nothing left to do)
-because you fear the climb, the falls, the difficulty
-pitting yourself against yourself because you've already come this far?

I must really want to see China

For I am dug, maybe (hopefully), buried.

And I fear I will never feel the warmth of sun again.

At least one heart is going to be broken.

I just hope
god I hope
That it's mine.

10/14/08, 7:10 PM

Today I am a deep black hole
Filled with cold and worthlessness.
I am as deep and as wide as the sky
And as shallow as a spring puddle
I have no heart, no soul
For I fear that I am nothing.
I am not worth a shoulder to lie on
Nor a person fall into.
I deserve no grace or pity
But I deserve what I get coming to me.

10/15/08k 10:35 PM

I can still feel the burn on my face
The feel of your lips
The oddness and the greatness of it all
But I have to come to a decision
And the deadlines heading quickly

I've never been a quitter
So why force me to quit?
Don't give me your 'everything and nothing's
just tell me like it is.
the universe does disappear
time does stop
but it comes too quickly
Our reluctance will be nothing but a slap back in our faces.
But reality jumps and bites
Sucks our blood

And at this rate we will soon
Be nothing but cold, empty-bodied, dead versions of ourselves.

10/16/08, 11:10 PM

Your actions breed my insecurities
And over all this time they have bred my definition
for heartache.

Who says that I am not allowed
To let myself sink down to your level?
The scores have always seemed even,
I always thoughts they were settled.

Never
They never were.
I am still like you dangly toy on a string
Bouncing around,
Dreaming about running around on its own feet

I am waiting
for two things
That seem important to this impact.

I cannot imagine life
If neither of them ever come

Only death.

10/18/08, 1:24 AM

These tiny moments with you, I cherish
Until I can have my whole piece of the pie.
I will move my foot forward
No matter what led casing it is in
Some things will break
Some things will bend
But everything will be alright

I'll take your advice and words to heart
but not to soul
for that is where only I may lie
for my soul must be free
of any but me
my soul must be free

10/20/08, 11:30 PM

Never want to see you hurt
Never want to see you die
The pain is inevitable

Pins is stifled
Pain is smothered
This world will never be what you want
This life will never fill what you need.

Forgive
Forget
Live on
Regret

I am a coward.
I will never know what I want
I will never know how to feel
How to follow my heart.

I do my best to forget.
But I cannot forget you
And I cannot forget
What a fool
I am.

10/23/08, 6:25 AM

Please send him someone wonderful
To love his heart like I could not
Please send him someone beautiful
To ease the pain I left in his heart

I can't stay to pick up the pieces
Because it is not for me to do
So please send him that one someone
Who can love him too

My instability caused him pain
I toyed around with him
I feel so bad for what I've done
But sorry won't fix anything.

Please send someone gentle, patient, & kind
Someone who can see the love in his eyes
Let her love him like he wants to be loved
Let her be the one who breaks all ties

Send him happiness
Send him joy
Send him true love
Send him all the things I couldn't

Because he deserves it.

10/23/08, 11:06 PM

Only his good grace and care for others
to erase my name
Prove his love to the human race
And rid of me

Would only be doing the world much better
If I were dead and gone
There is no room for my problems here
No room for my thoughts

But them against to be my fate
to be like this
to feel all the pain
I have gained,
I deserve.

Maybe death a too good fate for me
And I will live a life of suffer
By why not put everyone at ease
And just stick me 6 feet under?

10/24/08, 6:39 AM

I sit in quiet mourning
and mourn his broken heart
For now I know he wishes
This will be where we part
I excited him,
enjoyed him,
spend wonderful time
but I ran to him
then ran from him
left him there behind.

Neither of you
Are the love of my life
But I love you right now

Spreading my heart
Is what feels good to it right now
What feels good to my soul

But your rejection is understandable
I don't deserve your precious heart
I don't deserve.

10/24/08, 9:24 AM

the world caves in
And suffocates me
nothing will ever be
how it used to be

can't find peace
in anything I do
my heart is unhappy

I cannot find my path
I cannot find my happiness
All I know is that I want to see you
But you don't want to see me.
All I know is that I don't want to see you
But you want to see me.

The world has crashed
And I am crushed underneath it.
No air.
No escape.
No relief.

Okay So This Is The Beginning.

I've decided to start this blog of my poems.
That doesn't mean that I won't put poems on my other blog,
Cause I will,
This is just for the ones that I have already written down in my journal or past journals.

So there may be a few (or more than a few) entries a day
Because I have a lot of previous poems.

Feedback on them would be loved.

Caution: Not all of them are amazing work. ;)
But you can still tell me feedback, good bad or improvement criticism (I'll try to take it as lightly as I can :))


PS: Please do not judge me for what I put up here. I am human, as everybody else is. I will not put horribly horrible things on here but I still make mistakes (which fuel my words).